Sex and love, are they the same?

I’m aware that sex is a sensitive topic, especially for Indonesians, sex is a taboo subject to discuss. However, I’m not going to say obscene things, I just want to express and share my view in sex.

After watching the movie: Virgin-ketika keperawanan dipertanyakan, I asked myself can one buy/sell virginity. I left high school about 14 years ago and during that time, has it really been that much change in young woman attitude towards sex and virginity. Would women nowadays give away their virginity or have sex in order to keep her boyfriend or for money? I particularly don’t agree with that.

Sex to me is the greatest expression of love. Sex is beautiful. I had waited for the right one and I’m happy with my choice. I was given a nickname: ——SAURS (from dinosaurs) by my housemates. They just couldn’t understand, why I never had sex even with my boyfriends. They said, I lived in the stone age. It was very difficult being a virgin living in the western society. For me, I would only wanted to have sex with the ONE and I’d wait for the ONE. When I met the one, I’d know and sex would just come and feel right (was I just too naive?). However, many of my western friends didn’t agree with that. They said I have to try it first, experience with different people so that I wouldn’t be wondering what it was like with different men. I didn’t need to and I didn’t want to! I saw my housemates with different guys and they were never happy, always searching but didn’t know what they were looking for. I think they had mistakenly think love is sex. Can sex replace love? Do they think that having sex is getting love at the same time?

To me, sex and love is inseparable. Although, many of my friends don’t agree with me in that view. Maybe, one can have sex without love and one can love somebody without sex but that kind of relationship would not last. According to research, love only last about 4 years and then the buzz, the craze, the racing heart and the butterfly in your stomach that you feel when you’re are in love starts to dissipate. Research also found that sex (or orgasms in actual fact) is the one that keep the love alive. Orgasms and falling in love release certain chemical (dopamine, n/e (aka adrenaline), and PEA). The effect of falling in love and orgasms are similar to one high on cocaine or drugs such as metamphetamine. Not only that, orgasms also release chemical (oxytocin) that cause 2 person to bond strongly or to form strong attachment. So, if one has sex with the person s/he loves, it makes love stronger. But, what happen if one has sex NOT with the person they love? I can’t answer that as I don’t have any experience. I got married too soon, only after 3 months in a serious relationship, he already asked me to marry him — maybe he couldn’t stand not having sex for such a long time I’ve married with the one and have never had sex before or after with anybody else other than him.

I suppose men are different. Love seems to be a difficult concept to grasp for men. I think, men was not supposed to show their feeling, and tend to be physical. That’s it, sex is physical and love is mental/immaterial (i.e. Sex is real, you see it straightaway, while love, thing that is not seen, you can only feel it) … can men grasp the concept of love?

For those who are interested in the subject, please read:
The science of love
The science of orgasm

Love and hate

I don’t fully understand love especially when you’re in the relationship. How can one hurt and love somebody at the same time? Yes, it is hard to understand. Have you ever feel you love and hate your boyfriend or husband at the same time? I do… The more we love somebody, the more we are able hurt that person intentionally or unintentionally, strange isn’t it. I think it’s a way of protecting yourself. It’s not actually pure love if you can hurt other person. People always says love and hatred are two sides of the same coin.

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. Sigmund Freud

Love is sincere that you can give to anyone. Love is suppose to be unconditional. I used to ask him why does he love me? Or ask myself why do I love him? I used to think that I love him because he’s nice to me or because he’s willing to do something for me that other people wouldn’t. I create these conditions and if the other person didn’t fulfill my conditions, I don’t love him? He, on the other hand used to answer, ‘I don’t know….I just love you…’ I used to get really upset, how can he doesn’t know why he loves me. Now, I understand, loving somebody is not because of something or condition but it’s merely loving this person. If one creates these conditions, what would happen if the person changes, for example, this person no longer as pretty/handsome as s/he was or not as rich as s/he used to be. Will one stop loving him/her?

In search for love?

Apakah cinta dapat dicari? Sepertinya, hampir setiap orang pernah berusaha menemukan cinta. Sewaktu kita mencari cinta, kita merasakan betapa susahnya mencari cinta. Sepertinya semakin dicari, semakin susah untuk menemukannya dan kita menjadi semakin frustasi. Ini terjadi pada diri gue sendiri, sampai suatu hari, gue memutuskan untuk berhenti mencari. Anehnya malah gue menemukan cinta Menurut gue, cinta sebenarnya ada berada dalam diri kita masing-masing. Kalau ingin mendapatkan cinta, kita harus memberikan cinta dahulu.

Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own loveless ness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it. H Lawrence

Ini seperti, kalau kita mencari sesuatu, seringkali tidak menemukannya. Sering gue dengar pada waktu gue tidak bisa menemukan barang yang gue cari, emak gw sering ngomong: “kalau dicari gak bakalan ketemu, kalo gak dicari nanti malah nongol sendiri”. Sewaktu kita mencari sesuatu, memang susah sekali untuk menemukannya karena pikiran kita tidak tenang dan tidak jernih, jadi kita gak fokus. Sama dengan cinta, pada waktu kita mencari cinta, pikiran kita dipenuhi dengan obsesi dan kadang-kadang kita tidak melihat semuanya dengan mata yang objektif. Kita hanya melihat apa yang ingin kita lihat dan seringkali tidak melihat setiap orang yang ingin memberikan dan mungkin orang itu berada di depan mata kita. Menurut gue, hidup harus kita alami dan nikmati tanpa selalu berpikiran untuk mengejar/mencari cinta.

Take it easy, experience and enjoy life and love will come to you. I think that when you’re searching for your love one, you become more tense and put on your mask trying to impress other people and not being true to yourself. Kalau jodoh, tidak akan kemana

Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God. Mary Manin Morrissey

Halo dunia!

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